It’s that time of my life. I have officially become an empty nester. Honestly it actually happened in the Fall of 2015 but it took a good year to get it together. I seriously could not discuss it without shedding a soft tear leading turning into a sob and finally reaching the full out ugly cry. My youngest left for college and I will tell you it was painful. Come to find out it was so emotional and I didn’t realize how painfully exhausting it was. I have read articles but most were vague as to what people actually feel. I now have a friend at the beginning stages and I am just coming to realize that this is an extremely tough part of life that most if not all parents deal with. No one talks about it very much and everyone dismisses it when you do bring it up. I think I heard “it’ll be ok” and “don’t be so emotional” a million times. It was heartbreaking and kind of made me feel like it wasn’t normal. Come to find out it is completely normal and if I would have been aware of the grieving that comes with it, it may have helped me get thru it and not felt so alone.
Stage One: Realizing they are leaving…
Sounds simple. I’ve already had one child go to college. As hard as that was you still have one at home. Being free of daily motherly duties sounds good when you have a million things to do and I seriously felt that this would be a great time of my life. Then it sets in….Holidays come along and the sentiment comes with it. You start to remember when they were small. How much you love having all the people around and the sounds of a busy household. How much you have taken for granted. How quickly time has flown by. I convinced myself that it would all still be the same. All of it. They would just be gone a few weeks at a time and they would spend all of the breaks and vacation time with me again. Or would it? Laughter and tons of tears came around during this phase. As excited as I was for him. I started to feel sad a lot for myself.
Stage Two: They start preparing to leave in a few weeks….
Wow. I thought that stage one was an emotional rollercoaster this was pretty tough as well. Every time I looked at my son tears would come to my eyes. I seriously felt my heart tear a little each time. Helping him prepare and trying to busy myself was very difficult. I was excited, worried, anxious, and sad at the same time. I even worked full time and was still consumed by how my baby was leaving. A blubbering fool I was.
Stage Three: Dropping him off at School
The car ride was hard. I cried the whole 5 hour drive up. I had to hide it from him as he was starting to feel bad for me and I wanted him to be excited. I cleaned and set up his new place and we had a nice time. He dropped me off at the airport and I was so upset I missed my return flight. I was quite embarrassed and I couldn’t believe I did that. I didn’t hear them call me over the intercom and they closed the gates. I was sitting a few feet away from the gate too. Boy was I ever distracted. That was a terrible few days. I was truly excited for him but I was grieving what felt like a loss. I think I cried for days after that. My first one had graduated from college and was back home but was living on her own and had a new life with new friends, colleagues and was figuring out her own things. So things felt different for me. She was an adult and I knew that after I dropped him off it would never be the same when he came home a graduate.
Stage Four: Getting used to …….. well….. just you… (and your husband)
So now what? Who am I now that I am not needed by my children as much. They still need you…..mostly as a personal ATM machine………but they still need you. Its now “just me”. I felt lost. I felt like my life has just been twisted and I suddenly was faced with questions about me. What’s next in my life? Am I always going to feel a little empty? It sounds crazy but its real. Have I reached a point in my life that starts to fade away? I feel too young! My life is good. I have a great job. I have some good friends. I am healthy and athletic. My kids are healthy and I have a loving husband. My dog is awesome too. He kind of took the role of my child. He’s always been spoiled and just gets extra attention (I’m sure he doesn’t mind). I should have no complaints. With all that being said….I was just lost.
Stage Five: What Next???
So what do I do with my life? I asked myself this every day for months. It’s a scary feeling. I thought I had it all together until this………. What am I going to do? It was very hard to face the fact that I was running into uncharted territory. I took a very hard look at my life and tried to figure out what would make me happy and believe me it was a struggle. When it was brought up I felt like no one related to me. People that have had kids leave seemed to not be phased or were so busy that things were fine. Nothing made me happy. As hard as I tried I just couldn’t find that happy place. Things I once thought were exciting became boring. I felt like I had nothing to look forward to and my life was changing fast and furiously. It was quite scary. Its definitely a depressing time.
Stage Six: Coming Out of the Esther..
After a period of time the sun began to shine again. I feel like all of a sudden one day I realized that my life had not ended. It wasn’t from a vacation or from a new lifestyle. It didn’t come from material things, it came from the kids. They both are doing so well. They are making lives for themselves and are really doing great! As I stopped to look around, all that I set out to accomplish was there. The kids were healthy, happy, and looking for their own future. They were on their own journeys. They didn’t leave me. I was still a big part of their lives. It took so long to get back to that spot of comfort. The kids call me all the time. My daughter has settled in to her life and even though I don’t see her every single day, we talk at least twice on the phone and schedule lunches, coffee, a spin class, or a get together. As for my youngest he is doing great. I talk to him everyday as well. He comes home and visits but he is growing up and becoming his own person. I am quite proud of these two. Watching them learn and grow into adulthood is so special. I’ve gotten a few of my own things going on as well. I’ve found new hobbies and passions as well as picked back up on the ones that I thought were lost.
Stage Six: My “NEW” life
My life has changed a lot in the last few years. Emotionally I feel so much better. My mind is clear and I can honestly say that the happiness does come back. It takes time and comes in stages so be patient if your just beginning to encounter this new phase of life. Hang on……. like everything else in life….this too shall pass.
